the ramble dump

Rather than conjuring up yet another instalment of the hugely popular Completist series, I thought I'd post this recently unearthed and amazingly informative email interview I did with Mike Gerber, author of the Barry Trotter series, when I was 14. Interview dated August 15th 2003.

First of all, Mr Gerber, I think I'd better inform you of this fact: I am British, and therefore naturally evil, so if I find your answers to this interview inadequate, I may quite possibly destroy the Universe. Thank you.

Chris, you really know how to put a fellow at ease. Actually, there are several places I'd like destroyed, so if my answers are adequate, could I possibly get you to come by and destroy them for me? It only seems fair.

(1) Ahem...Now, what do you think of the reaction in Britain towards your Barry Trotter books?

I'm delighted by it. And surprised, too, since the first book is so relentlessly American in its language. I use "truck" instead of "lift," spell "colour" without a "c"...Clearly the timing was right for a Potter parody in the UK, and I'm happy--overjoyed, really--that so many people seem to have enjoyed it. I hope they like the Unnecessary Sequel even more. My wife does, but she was high as a kite on laughing gas when she read it (see next answer).

(2) You must have made quite a tidy packet from Trotter. How long does it take you to spend the money you've got from it, and can I have some?

Chris, you'd be surprised at how LITTLE authors make. Most of money goes directly to my wife's dentist, without even stopping in my bank account. As soon as Shameless Parody started to sell, Kate's teeth started to--jeez, "implode" is the word that comes to mind, but that can't be strictly, medically, accurate...Anyway, can I borrow a few quid?

(3) What would you say if a man dressed in a pink rabbit costume (stolen from a theme park) came up to you in the street?

It depends on whether he propositioned me or not. Remember, I used to live in Greenwich Village. That kind of thing happens all the time there, not just during the Gay Pride parade.

(4) Have you ever been attacked by an old lady? If so, how did you cope?

I gave her a whomping she'll never forget--except that she was pretty far gone with Altzheimer's, so I don't think she can remember anything. Pity, because I really was in fine form. She kept saying, "I'll kill you, you damn pink rabbit!" It was weird.

(5) Don't you just hate completely off-topic questions?

No. I get asked the same ones all the time. "Where do you get your ideas?" "What's the next book about?" "Why is your wife's dentist in the Bahamas again?"

(6) Have you ever thought of making a Barry Trotter musical? If not, why not?

Put it "...on Ice!" and I think we've got something.

(7) Can Barry Trotter fans look forward to cool Trotter action figures (in various cool poses) coming to the shops soon?

Only if I can have them say "I waste my money on worthless crap!" when you pull a string in the back.

(8) Are you pleased to find out that Barry Trotter is important enough in this interview to have his name in italics?

My email doesn't do italics, possibly because it didn't like the book.

(9) Do you have plans for a third Barry Trotter book?

I don't have plans for one, but if the second book does well and people write me and ask for a third (yes, I'm talking to you, dear reader) I don't see why not. But I'm really going to let the audience decide that for me--I think one of the worst things a funny writer can do is overstay his welcome. I didn't expect to do a second one, but it taught me to consider the possibility that people would want a third and scribble down ideas in the meantime so it's not a mad dash. As far as the second one was concerned, I don't know what I would've done without that laughing gas.

(10) Has JK Rowling paid someone to assassinate you yet?

Was that what that guy in the pink bunny suit was trying to do? I wondered why he kept aiming that carrot at me.

(11) Aren't you glad I didn't put you through a weird and pointless interview, and instead conducted one that would enlighten all everywhere?

Yes. Interviews should not only contain information, but also speed one's way to satori. I've always said it, and I'm glad you agree.

(12) Is there anything else you'd like to say? You have to say something, because we're all staring at you expectantly.

Stay in school, kids--daytime TV sucks!

If you don't just count this as junk mail, then thank you Mr Gerber. I look forward to receiving your money.

My pleasure, Chris...One small letter away from being the Son of God...Must be frustrating. Oh well, hang in there.

Best MG

Trivia: when I showed my mum the email, she didn't believe the actual Michael Gerber would have responded. She suggested that it was a team of agents pretending on his behalf.

We did do another one a year later. I might post that some other time.

Labels: the aberration

# posted by Chris @ 5:04 PM 0 comments